i’ve been ostracized by younger men than you but none who carried the heavy sandbags of hostility so far without shattering the glass of their own gait -written by me in 2009 (age 20)
If I cease breathing and shut my eyes tight enough, you won’t be able to see me, right? Right!
I march in the parade of liberty but as long as I love you I’m not free– some dude named rob zimmerman
i feel meager and insignificant. what does it mean to say, “it’s just one of those nights” anyway?
PATIENT: Doctor, I don’t feel well and I’m not sure why. DOCTOR: I want you to meditate for 20 minutes, twice a day, exercise for at least 30 minutes a day, avoid processed foods, eat plenty of real fruit and vegetables, spend more time in nature and less indoors, stop worrying about things you can’t control and ditch your T.V. Come back in three weeks.
pretty sure i thought reading user reviews of various tampon brands on amazon was rock bottom the other night. but, nay- here i am halfway through an analysis of why men will never understand women’s usage of the menstrual pad. thank you, cracked, and the myriad ways you continue to prove to me that i am destined to die alone, most probably while watching dateline on a saturday night
Republicans, Get In My Vagina →
life is beautiful when you’ve got an old victorian mansion practically to yourself because 3/4 of your housemates have gone camping on an island somewhere so you get to cook in the nudie while blasting the gipsy kings and sipping peruvian liquor like the pimp that you are
I bought a fucking planner that starts in July. Isn’t that some bullshit....– my housemate
Lick my ass nicely, lick it nice and clean, nice and clean, lick my ass....– Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (This one is real, you guys.)